Funny emails you get

[Guest]

DUI - MICHIGAN STYLE
(Only a person in da UPPER OF MICHIGAN could think of this)
From a region (da UPPER) where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine,
Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper.

'Tonight I'm the designated Decoy.'

This trick was actually used in Traverse City by my older brother's crew where one guy would leave out the front and noticably stumble and get to his car out front. The bar - U&I Lounge also has a back door and everybody else would head out the back. At least I was told they did this ...maybe it's an urban legend.

 

[kalinecountry]

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
*The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
*The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
*The third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

 

[kalinecountry]

Puns for Educated Minds -- And you are one of them!!!!! Congratulations

* The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

* I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

* She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

* A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

* No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

* A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

* Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

* A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

* I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

* The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

* If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

* A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

* Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

* There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

 

[kalinecountry]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

1.This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

 

[kalinecountry]

Got some youtube from a friend.
Lots of old time Comedians and Entertainers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAp3Zj637ag&feature=related
Johnny Carson roast with Don Rickles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfIfVmMWhv8&feature=related
Frank Sinatra roast with Don Rickles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7ri3zY-9I0
Frank Sinatra roast with Redd Foxx.

 

[kalinecountry]

Blonde off to Italy:
A young blonde New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for,"
said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you
food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the
sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would
bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by
the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

[kalinecountry]

Apple does it again...Steve Jobs legacy
__


Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
A computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
Music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
Depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
Women have always complained about men staring
At their tits and not listening to them.